A Psalm

The fool hath said in his heart that there is no God,

But I say right now that I love that fool.

And if he remains forever a fool

My heart shall break beyond repair.

This obedience is costly;

The pain is almost overwhelming.

Had I known the choice would be so painful,

I would have abandoned this road long ago.

Wise counsel is given to me.

Words well-spoken and well-reasoned—
Friends who care and show concern,

Yet they do not see my heart.

At times I want to melt into a pool of nothingness,

A puddle with no feelings, no anguish, no love.

Moving on is something I’m not capable of,

Not when everything within me beckons me to stay—

Stay here in this world, this world that revolves around him,

The foolish fool, who closes his heart, who closes his eyes,

Who, in the process of denying God, denies me,

And all that is inside me, yearning for him.

So I turn to the one Who will not deny me,

The One who has promised to hear my cry,

And grant me my heart’s desire—

If my heart is in the right place.

And I beg You to melt the stone around his heart,

Open his eyes and call to his mind.

Draw him to seek you—

To seek You while you still may be found.

Beat on that door, the one he has closed

And bolted so stubbornly.

Please be relentless

And don’t give up on him.

Dear Lord, do whatever it takes to bring him to You.

Melt his defenses, break his pride.

Call to his heart and appeal to the void.

Let him turn to You and surrender.

     July 19th...my last entry?  That seems like a very long time ago.  As predicted, Jason came home a few weeks later, but unfortunately was here ony three days.  We tried to squeeze as much as possible into those three days, and that included dinner with his family twice, a mandatory viewing of "Pirates of the Caribbean", stopping at my house to meet my family, dinner with all my friends at Munchies, my first kiss, dinner with mutual friends at a Chinese buffet, swimming at my friend Matt's house, and sitting at the airport feeling gloomy for an hour.  All in all, it was good, but at the same time, wasn't quite what I expected.  Four months of emailing and planning is hard to live up to in three days.  Additionally, I'm a quality time person.  Time is one of my love languages.  When I fall for a guy, it's for centuries, but it takes months, many months before I feel that way.  I can't be expected to want to make a committment to a gentleman that I've only spent a week and then three days with, no matter how much we've connected through email or talked on the phone. 

     And throw into the mix the one guy that I have ever been in love with.  Suddenly I'm at a gathering at his house (last week) and things are back to normal; we haven't spent time together for six months, in fact, he's been rather cold to me, giving me the impression that he no longer cares.  But now we're reconnecting and I can't stop thinking about him.  What's up with that?  I'll tell you what's up with that.  I spent days every week for months with that guy; he worked his way into my heart like a persistent seed for eight or nine months and now he's rooted there forever.  The only problem is I can't have him...or rather he can't have me because he's not a Christian.  Our relationship was doomed before it started.

     So, I want to focus on Jason; his walk with God is great, we have the same priorities, the same goals.  He's swell, he remembers everything about me, calls me everyday; I like him, I just don't care about him like I would after spending months with someone.  And his career is not something I would ever look for in a boyfriend.  Anyway, he's flying me to Virginia this Friday because I've never seen the ocean and we're driving back to Fort Wayne afterwards.  It's a fourteen-hour drive so we'll have time to talk and chill, but we'll see.  AHH, I feel like I'm going crazy.  I just don't want to make the wrong decision.  I don't want to miss out on the amazing relationship Jason is offering me, but I don't feel a peace in regard to commiting myself to him exclusively.  I know him, but I don't KNOW him.  There are three levels of knowing someone, according to my wise friend Tsipporah, and Jason and I have touched on only two of them.  There is a whole 'nother level of just becoming aquainted with each other and until we have that, I cannot be certain about what's best for us.